FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Randomize
