And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
