I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
