I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
