TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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