dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
