She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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