ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
