I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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