He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
