my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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