I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
