new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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