The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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