my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
