You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
