Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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