did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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