i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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