just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
