Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My life is pants optional.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
