who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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