It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i think my cat just said my name.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
