nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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