Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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