Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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