i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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