If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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