period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
a search helicopter?!
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
