I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
