tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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