my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
