You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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