the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
