my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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