How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
