my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
