Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i came on her dog
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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