What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
