I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
