Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
