I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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