I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize