one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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