Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
