I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
