I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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