meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
