There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
