god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
