he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
