my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
