My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize