"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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