I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
ok first of all what the fuck
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