I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
