I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
