how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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