Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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