Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize