White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
