I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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