I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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