i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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