upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
pop tarts are not kleenex
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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