I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
