Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
