eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
