Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
