I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
