you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
