You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
