if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
