this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
