Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
