Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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